I wonder if this archival project is bad for me. My therapist keeps stressing “mindfulness” to me, which is all about being present in the moment, but I feel like this is kinda antithetical to that. But it reassures me that what I think is important (and what is not as important) is still preserved when I become a vegetable. I'm unsure whether to preserve stuff that I find embarrassing, because on one hand I could totally not include it but on the other hand who am I to say what I should be remembered by?

A couple release notes: I added some school works! Some of it is completely obscure and difficult to understand without the proper context, but some of it is self-contained and explained within the works themselves. I have countless amounts of work from school, so they are listed in their own separate index. I also added some essays, some are transcripts from my YouTube channel, while others have been published in school newspapers. In general on this site, I'm trying not to separate by quality or importance, but by type and by source. Otherwise, I'll be horribly self-critical. Like I do that shit with playlists and stuff and it's so difficult to pick the “best” things. Also if you check at the bottom of a page, you'll see the type of document it is (blog, essay, etc) and either the previous and next entries (like in blogs or any sequential thing) or some suggested other pages (e.g. reflections on that document) or nothing.

Isn't it crazy how meaningless life is? Like there's nothing that gives anything importance or meaning besides yourself, and if you happen to be a philosophical asshole like I am, you soon realize that that isn't strong enough sometimes. My view is that I'm in this universe for a very short amount of time, and so why not just wait it out until death? See what the world has to offer. Enjoy your life and make a difference so that when you're on your deathbed, high as balls from the morphine or whatever they're giving you, you can feel proud of your life. But still, it sometimes feels like I only keep going because of this weird cheesy optimism that I stop myself from questioning. But now that I am questioning it, I realize that you shouldn't keep going because “it's what you have to do”, but rather because “we're gonna die anyway so let's do some crazy shit before I disappear into the oblivion”.

Also the quotation thing I do is British style — also called “logical quotation”, not even joking — which only places punctuation inside quotes if they are part of the quote, and otherwise the punctuation is outside the quotation. Basically you put shit in quotes if it's part of the quote, and outside quotes if it's not part of the quote. This makes more sense, creates less ambiguity, and so I do it.

Death is actually crazy though because like I have no idea what happens after I die. When I was high on the pain medication after I got my wisdom teeth taken out, I realized (later realized it was just a hypothesis) that consciousness stems from a flow of memories, and even if your brain has activity, your brain needs the capacity to register and log sensations in your working memory. So when I was out cold on the chair while the doctors were yanking my teeth out, my brain was working but I wasn't making memories so I couldn't experience consciousness. Or at least I couldn't realize I was experiencing consciousness? I dont fucknig know man

Fucknig

My works have all sorts of things that I put into them for all sorts of reasons. Like I was reflecting on the shitty lyricism of my song “Winter” and especially the lyric “I'll find new things”, which I initially thought was just a bad choice. But then I remember that I used “things” because it's a childish term, and the idea is that I don't actually need those “things” and they're kinda stupid and obsolete. But I think it's also good to remember that I did that in part also because I couldn't think of a word, so I developed that explanation. I still think it's “valid”, but half the deep shit I say about my work is half made up like that. That's probably true for other artists (or so I think) but I'm one of the only ones who will say it.

My dream is that someone out there will find my music or work or something I have created to be one of their favorites or otherwise super important in their life. And I hope I never know about it, otherwise I'll have to burst their bubble that I suck.

That got me thinking about how you can find some beautiful meaning in anything. The pattern-seeking habit that I have gotten from writing poetry and lyrics has allowed me to see cool things in everything. You could probably get the same results with drugs — let me know. But that pattern-seeking thing helps me remember that life is such a weird thing and no matter how dull it may seem, there's always some detail you've missed. Like how if you reverse this blog entry, it still makes sense! Just kidding that's a lie but wouldn't that be crazy!!!!

It's crazy to me that people can still make new melodies and new songs and that we haven't run out of them yet. I wonder if there are infinite things you can think about? Or is there some super high limit?

Anyway, moral of the story is that you should get high, write music, and then die of natural causes. John Lennon did two out of three