I updated the site again. The biggest thing was that I consolidated the CSS into one file, which is a lot easier to maintain and keep track of. While I was doing that, I made some spacing a bit nicer. I also updated the magenta color to be more vibrant, which you maybe noticed? I also shortened some code to remove redundancies. And while I was doing that, I added some arrows for the links at the bottom. Yay more patch notes!!!

I might make the highlighting a different color, but I didn't want to make it magenta because that would be too much magenta, but another color would ruin the fun monochromatism. So we'll see what happens I guess.

I also got BlueSky which may impact what I put in the blog because I have another outlet for my impulsiveness. So we'll see.

I realized the other day that my next EP probably won't come out until 2025 if I keep working on it at this pace. Like that's not a joke; that's the estimation. I am really in a rut here guys. I can't write a chord progression that sounds good enough. Not too basic but not too obscure, melancholy but not depressing or too cheesy, something I haven't done before — that all doesn't leave many options. And all I can find online is just “have you tried just going for it and writing something bad” which I have done actually, I can make stuff it just SUCKS!!!!!!!! grrrrrr

I also want to make a bunch of different types of stuff, which doesn't make for a cohesive EP. But I have a lot of stuff going on so maybe it doesn't need to be a concept EP like Evening Rumination? It's weird having work be in such a weird, unpolished, unpredictable state.

Completely unrelatedly, it's crazy how much TV can affect you. I rewatched the first season of Heartstopper and then watched the second season over these past few days, and I felt like I couldn't sit still because everything hit me so hard. This isn't unique to this show, it's not special or anything, I feel like whenever I watch TV or movies I can't help but empathize too hard.

My therapist says I might be an empath and the first thing that came to mind was when Shane Dawson kept saying that he was an empath in his docuseries and thats ewwwww. I'm like “oh I don't want to be presumptuous by saying that I'm just such a good person” but she was like “just look into it and see if you learn anything” and so I have/am/will.

Actually while I was writing this I decided to look it up a bit more because I always have like 5 tabs active at once. I found this WebMD article that I found funny. It says “The typical empath personality allows an individual to accurately discern people's emotional states just by looking at them and take appropriate action. Experts still debate whether such abilities exist.” And I'm like, “bruh that's just having good emotional intelligence” and then I realized the experts they speak of are scientists and it made sense. Also I looked into the guy who reviewed the article on WebMD and I think he got his MD from some sketchy Caribbean med school so maybe don't use WebMD.

But it does seem to seriously describe me. And I'm looking at it from a negative perspective so I think I'm not being presumptuous. Because not only do I experience empathy more strongly and thus am a better person than everyone else, but I'm also humble.

But like I have to pause watching these TV shows like multiple times an episode because I genuinely can't take the intensity of emotions. And this has been a problem for me for a long time. It is weird though because I don't necessarily cry easily or laugh or whatever — I actually feel like I'm a largely subdued person, relatively speaking. The emotions kinda just build in me, and it's not like I need to let it out via crying or whatever because I know it's ok to cry and be emotional because I am FEMINIST MAN, but I just can't?

I feel like as I've matured more, my empathy has improved. Because I've been trying to strengthen that muscle because I have this insecurity that I'm selfish / I have this goal to be super selfless. And actually that might be in part because my friends from when I was younger — the most selfish friends, by the way — would say how I was being selfish, and so I worked to improve that, because being selfless is a good thing, right? WRONG. Actually there's a reason why people are selfish; you wanna hear why? Because it's actually super fun! :D Of course most people will think you're a dick, but also most people will just say “they're just like that, deal with it” and then you get a free pass to fuck people over!!

I think ultimately though, being super empathetic (and also super fucking humble) is a good thing. Even though it's overwhelming. And inconvenient because once you're empathetic you also have to be selfless which is annoying. But it is seriously cool though, for selfish reasons. Because you get access to emotions in ways you yourself can't experience. You see the world beyond your two eyes, and that's pretty awesome.

awe·some (adj) - some awe, i guess

So I guess I'll give you a task to be a bit more empathetic and selfless this week. Think about how you may not be thinking about other people. And because I am a pseudo-self-diagnosed empath — aka better than you — I will also do that. Even though that's probably the opposite of what my therapist wants me to do? I didn't exactly ask. If it is, oops! If not, cool beans!

I really can't get out of the ego thing, can I? Because self-awareness does not negate what you're doing, it's just an excuse to do it sincerely under the pretext of irony. To be clear though, I do think that I am better than everyone else. FUCK I'M DOING IT AGAIN.

I guess you'll never know what I actually think. That's the cruel irony of it all: no amount of empathy will be able to be sufficient to truly understand what someone else is thinking or feeling. So do I think I'm better than you? That is left as an exercise for the reader at home.