Remember when I said on my YouTube channel that I would be making more videos? Lol
So basically my life has been kinda shit lately. You'd know that if you watched by video on Bapple Business YouTube about… honestly I don't remember. I watched that video so many times when it came out because I couldn't believe I actually made something. And it was something that was more vulnerable that I usually make. I truly believed that I could continue doing it. Why haven't I been able to do it?
Well answering that question requires examining my life as of late. Actually, as of ever. But as of late first.
I went to Madrid this past weekend! It was honestly one of the best weekends I've had in a long time. Granted I was sleep deprived because I planned to sleep on the plane on the way there but I couldn't get myself to do it. Sleeping is hard and people don't talk about that. Too many thoughts in brain. Anyway, the trip was a great experience in part because beyond the tribulations of traveling, I really didn't have to do much. My friend planned much of our activities for me, which was so fantastic. I feel a little guilty because I probably should have contributed more, but I had been feeling really depressed so I give myself a little grace for that. I wasn't anticipating she would plan anything, so I was really sabotaging myself, so it wasn't selfishness. Also, the problems of my normal life could disappear for a little bit. I had just submitted a final essay for my class, and I had given myself (rightfully I think) the permission to not work during that vacation.
The weeks before the trip were rough. I won't go into all the details because believe it or not I do want to keep some things private. But it mostly centered around work. On the surface, it was this paper: 3000 words; highly political, theoretical; on two readings I didn't want to read; 60% of my grade. I did not want to write this paper. The question is, why? I love political theory. I like writing for the most part. And I signed up for this class.
I think the easy answer is depression. Turns out I have that again! Or did it ever really go away? Hard to tell. I have a hard time reading my emotions actually. You wouldn't think that based on how much I talk about them. I think I might have some level of alexithymia. I've never been able to definitively conclude my feelings on say, whether I want or like certain clothing. I think that stems from a combo of depression, skepticism, and an underdeveloped ego? Not sure.
But also, work has always invoked in me a sense of dread, doom, anxiety, anger, etc. I remember when I was in first grade, I couldn't get my homework done for hours even though it should have only taken like 5 to 10 minutes. Why did I feel this way? It's hard to say now. I think one reason was that the school day was already pretty horrific, and it felt like an affront for this to encroach in my safe space, my home. I was stuck in a class for eight hours “learning” stuff I already knew, with a teacher who hated me, and with no friends. I was aware of it all; I could see the injustice. And yet, I could not leave. I honestly believe that school lowkey gave me some kind of low-level trauma.
These feelings of homework never went away. It was one of the reasons why I made my video about homework back in 9th grade. I tried to work in therapy about this and yet, I am here, at 20 years of age, unable to write papers without extreme anguish.
I think a big part is ADHD. The underdiagnosing of high-achieving kids with ADHD is real. I know because it happened to me. I was able to get good grades and not run around the classroom, so how could I have ADHD? I feel unreasonably angry at all the people in my life who could have intervened and suggested I had ADHD, or at least looked into it for me, but were simply too ignorant or didn't focus enough on me to do so. I don't blame all of them of course, but I am still angry.
I saw this TikTok that compared executive dysfunction to putting your hand on a hot stove, and that shit resonated with me. I want everything to be easy, but my brain tells me that this thing I'm supposed to do will be painful, and I refuse to put myself though pain. And am I wrong? Is doing work not painful? And it's not like doing this one task will end my pain—as soon as I complete it, there is another task to do.
This of course creates a problem. If I anticipate that my entire life will be pain, why would I continue? I've been struggling with that question lately. I'm fine right now, by the way. I wouldn't make a blog post if I wasn't lol.
But when I talk to other people, they don't see work this way. It seems as if, to others, work is more fulfilling and less agonizing. So what's happening here? Sure, depression, ADHD, etc. But that doesn't tell me much practically. What am I supposed to do, just not be depressed? These feelings are real, whether I like them or not.
What it seems like to me is the solution to my mental hardship is that I need to somehow make my life actually worth living. I can do this in two ways: make work less horrible, or make the rest of my life better.
This leads us back to Madrid. I quite enjoyed my vacation, and I thought that if I knew by experience that there were parts to life that made it worth living, I would be able to get through the bad stuff like work. Spoiler alert: that didn't happen. I couldn't get myself to work on my next school project. I quickly went back to my old ways: scrolling on social media despite my screen time limits, drinking, eating out, sleeping to ungodly hours, and basically doing anything that keeps me distracted.
WHY? Well, the work is still a hot stove. I can't do it. I also can't work on anything productive that I enjoy (i.e. stuff that isn't schoolwork). Doing that would mean that I have the capacity to be productive, and yet I channel it into myself. The cognitive dissonance that arises can only be resolved through doing nothing productive or just doing the school work. So I choose to feel like crap (scroll for 22 hours a day) so that I don't feel like my teeth are being ripped out of my skull (start working on the project). All of this, of course, just makes me more depressed and less convinced that life is worth living, because my short-term memory becomes replaced with misery.
So we are left with the work. What to do about the work?