It's been a weird two days since I uploaded my Senate video. I don't know how, but I guess my video was provocative enough to enter into conservatives' feeds. It obviously hit a nerve — I got 1,000 views, 24 likes, and 43 dislikes in two days.

It's weird because I didn't expect the video to exit my bubble. I mean I wanted it to. I'm trying to take YouTube more seriously, as something to do because I'm bored, but also as a way to build my credentials and accomplishments.

I guess all press is good press, especially on social media. But I do wonder if hate clicks will at all help me build an audience. I'm hoping that if the video continues to do well, that the algorithm will suggest it to some more left-leaning people who will be more sympathetic. It's not that I don't want counterarguments, but that I want to build something from this.

There are some thoughtful responses in the comments, but also people saying just crap. One person said I was the trump shooter, another said that I was like 14 (what?), another said that people shouldn't listen to me because I was gay (where did that come from?). I delete the nonproductive stuff and leave the stuff that is actually related to the video, even if I disagree with the comment or it makes me look bad.

I honestly uploaded the video because I want a bit of praise, recognition, award even. A lot of the stuff I do doesn't bring me that, and I hoped that publishing this old script would give me a dopamine rush and an ego boost. I definitely got a dopamine rush, but maybe not an ego boost.

My next video will likely be about 40 minutes. I've tried to trim the script, but I've thought it's more important that I give a good argument. I'm rethinking my approach with the success of this video. Will a 40 minute video hit the algorithm the same way? Maybe I need to sacrifice my argument for the algorithm, or at least keep out some of the boring covering-my-ass stuff. Do I want to keep being as provocative? It's gotten me far, but maybe I need to tone it down a little so I get more positive responses. But if I tone it down, I won't stand out and I won't get responses at all.

I've been thinking that maybe the Senate script was just bad. I wrote it three years ago, and I definitely could write it better now. That's the main reason why I included the year it was written in the video. But I didn't rewrite it, because I just wanted to get it out there. Maybe if I chose to rewrite it then it would be better received. Although I see some of the comments and I realize that many of them didn't actually watch (or at least process) the video. And after rewatching it, I feel like it's fine.

I don't know, I just wish things like this weren't so complicated. I can deal with a few negative comments, but when it's the majority of people, it's tough. I just want to have things go well. I just want some support. I have like my parents and my grandma, but I mean more public support.

Why do I have to be a contrarian? The things worth saying are usually the things not yet said. Why should I make a video about something that a thousand other people have talked about, likely better than I ever could? I have a lot of conventional opinions, although to be fair I do think I diverge from the norm a lot. I really don't like being a part of groupthink. Maybe everyone has tons of unconventional opinions, but I'm rare in that I actually voice them.

If anyone wants to help look through my next script and find ways I can trim it down or just make it better, hit me up.

I worry that my next videos won't do as well. Why does my shit video have to do well? But maybe I have the power to promote it. I've been around a while; I generally know how YouTube works. I think I can do better, but quality isn't necessarily what gets clicks.