I've actually lost a lot of respect for people over the past few months. Certain people in particular, but also just like the concept of humanity.

I've been living in deep fear since August that I'm gonna lose everything and everyone. I've always struggled with keeping on top of everything — I always feel like right when I've let my guard down, right when I've stopped worrying about everything, is when I've realized that I've been neglecting some area of my life. I constantly feel like I have tunnel vision desperately trying to scan the room to gather my surroundings. I've been getting better at it, but I'm not perfect. I still get dizzy; I still miss a spot; whatever.

I'm worried that I'm going to slip up and that no one will forgive me. I feel like other people lack a fundamental empathy that allows them to remember that I'm human. I'm trying my best. I'm a constant work in progress, which means that I'm gonna be unpolished. I try to forgive other people, I try to look into their souls and see how they are alike to me; but other people don't.

I get why people don't forgive or make an effort to understand — it's certainly easier to just hate someone. But I don't think I can — not just because I'm the kindest person in the universe, but because of the fear that it will happen to me.

Nothing has happened yet, but I can't stop worrying about when it will. I can't even talk about it — I'm worried that I'm manifesting this into existence — once I express my worries, people will start trying to search for my flaws that I talk about not being able to see, and then they'll be even more judgemental. I worry that if I don't express my levels of self-awareness that people will think that I don't have them. I feel like I'm writing a legal argument or something where I have to defend every single possible thought or attack that someone could have against me.

It scares me, the mob. Once a few key people decide your fate, you can't redeem yourself. Seeing people who I love fall victim to the mob made me realize that no one is safe. Once you're chosen as a target, you have no leeway. You have to act at your most rational and calculated — acting emotionally is unacceptable. Making a mistake is sealing your grave.

This panic today was in part sparked by watching Dream's explanation video “The Truth”. And you know what, this is my blog, I don't have to condition me viewing Dream in a positive light. Anyway, the mob took him. Obviously he's not a perfect person, but none of us are. I think one of the most traumatizing things I've seen on the internet is an entire community of people saying that Gumball Watterson calling Dream a faggot is epic and based. Because Dream is on the list of internet untouchables, any abuse of him is ok. It's ok for Gumball to be homophobic because Dream is ugly and cringe!!! (There's a larger discussion here about whether queer people should be able to call people the f slur in earnest (no), but that's for another time) What scares me the most is that most of these people saying these things aren't investigating whether any accusations against him are true. They don't actually care about if he's a pedophile or not. They already thought that he was weird, so when someone gave them an excuse to hate him, they jumped on.

I watched his full explanation video. I didn't have my mind made up going into it — while I watched, I actively tried to find holes in his defense. But at this point, I can't find a good reason to say that any of the allegations against him are true. But who knows, maybe I missed something. I went to Twitter (I'm not fucking calling it X) to see what other people's thoughts were, as well as what the discourse was like. I see shit like “bro made a whole movie i aint watchin allat” or a deepfake of Dream sucking his own dick, and then I realize that other people aren't coming to informed decisions after careful examinations of the facts. At best, they just assume that if most people are saying something, then they're probably right — which is fucking stupid and harms people.

I could always be wrong about Dream, but at least I'm trying to find out the truth rather than just going along with the flow of the mob. I'm trying to treat people like human beings. I'm trying to recognize that just flippantly going along with (or dismissing) accusations is an action with real consequences.

I'm done with this witch hunt and cancel culture shit. It's just an excuse not to treat people with respect. We can hold people accountable and deplatform them, but maybe after we consider the possibility that an accusation might be a false one, or that what people might be accusing them of might be not make them the fucking devil. In my progressive circles, I have heard “believe the victim, side with the victim” — and to that I say: no fucking shit. What is lost is that “believing the victim” requires knowing who the victim is, and that the victim might actually be the accused.

This shit has been weaponized and we can't let it get worse. It has seeped into our personal lives, beyond sexual assault and celebrities. I am done with it. I am sick of living in fear of the mob. But I guess other people enjoy being a part of it too much.