I’ve been thinking recently about how honest I want to be on the blog. I’ve been treating it like a pseudo-diary and maybe that’s not healthy.

Isn’t it funny how honesty is supposed to be a good quality but then when you’re actually honest it’s bad? I don’t disagree with the social norms here but I’m just saying it’s pretty funny. I do still think honesty is important for healthy relationships, and staying honest is how you avoid big fuck ups down the line. Obviously white lies are sometimes ok, but sometimes people try to treat not telling people the big things as something that is necessary for good relationships. NO! That’s how you end up with someone incompatible, whether as a friend or a partner or whatever. But I don’t know, whatever.

I think that saying the uncomfortable (maybe controversial) stuff that’s been stuck inside me is probably a healthy thing. I have this weird complex — maybe from being a faceless person on YouTube back in my middle school years — about sharing stuff on the internet. I do genuinely think on the whole it’s a good idea to be cautious about what you post. Like I would never post my SUPER out there opinions. I would never send a nude, obviously. I honestly don’t understand how people do that, but I guess you do you. Actually no, sending nudes is stupid, I’m sorry.

But anyway, that complex has stopped me from doing anything risky. I think that mindset, that fear, is probably not a good thing, like how morbidly obese people usually have a weird thing about food. But I’ve been thinking about it like this: I’m almost a quarter through my life and I’m not gonna waste the next three quarters not doing what I want. Because someday I’m gonna die and I don’t want to regret not saying the fuck word on a blog. That is so stupid.

Anyway, I think this honesty comes with some preconditions.

First, I only sorta stand by the stuff I say. A lot of what I post on this blog is written in a late-night haze. These ideas are, more often than not, very undeveloped. I’m not rereading this shit more than like once. There is no other person catching what might be misconstrued. I try to write things clearly but sometimes that doesn’t happen. I think this is a sacrifice I need to make if I want to combat my perfectionism. So it’s not that I don’t stand by what I write, I do, but what I write might not be what I mean, if you know what I mean.

Also I realized that I haven’t been putting in my commas where they should be. I think I started doing this to portray that this writing is not polished, but I think I’ll try to incorporate them now. I love commas so much, I don’t want to leave them behind.

Also, I love putting in various fun writing quirks that I sometimes have to take out of my writing when I revise. Like “what I write might not be what I mean, if you know what I mean” is genius to me. I like to make use of repetition in fun ways, or various stylistic changes to mean certain things. So keep on the lookout, I guess?

Second, I intend for this site to be limited to me and a few people. Once I die, I don’t give a shit. That’s actually one of the morbid purposes of this project: to collect all of my work so that it’s all in one place after I die. I’ve talked about that before. So please don’t spread this URL or stuff like that. It’s not a secret per se, but like I don’t want my potential employer seeing it. If the potential employer is on my wavelength, I don’t think this would be a deal breaker or even a negative. But so many people might not get it. You probably don’t get it.

Third, no stealing my ideas!! This one is actually more complicated; I talked about it more in “ok but what is this tho”, which I posted about a month ago.

Fourth, please don’t take the blog to be representative of my writing as a whole. This is trash. Total trash. Don’t forget that. The stuff I spend months and years revising is a better representation of me than this crap that I actually purposely make bad.

Now that I got all that out of the way, let me talk about something else. uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh